Saturday, 11 July 2015

A bit of an insight into fear of change and why it can be so hard to make positive changes

This started out as a basic update and ended up being a post where I ended up thinking about the ways self doubt and fear trap you and why it can be so hard to "just do it". 
You can totally see where the post takes a sharp turn away from a casual "hey check this out" to "omg here is my secret shame". I hope someone out there can relate and can find some comfort knowing that they're not alone <3

So today I actually invested in one of those "As seen on T.V!" things when I was at the supermarket. I got the Ninja Bullet Slim, one of those bullet-style blenders;

My little bullet blender

Of course I wanted the more powerful version, but alas it was just too expensive so I went with the smaller, cheaper version. But even though it wasn't the model I wanted when Sophia and I gave it a whirl tonight it really did blend up the fruit and veggies well, so I'm pretty happy with my purchase so far.

Now, I already have a great blender but it weighs a ton, it's freaking huge and it's a total PITA to assemble then disassemble to clean etc. so I rarely use it. Hell, I can't even keep it out on the bench top because it's just too big.

And you better believe that I am not dealing with all of that just to make one glass of veggie juice, you know? (yes, I can be pretty damn lazy)
Thankfully the size of this little blender is wonderful, I have it sitting right next to the toaster and it takes up less room than my teapot!
Plus it was super easy to use and clean, and for me half the battle is getting things started, so having it right there means I am much more likely to use it.

So now I've got my bag of baby spinach, lots of carrots and apples, frozen berries, some Jalna bush honey pot-set yoghurt and all that sort of good stuff and my aim is to have some sort of veggie &/or fruit drink daily.
I honestly think I will see some benefits if I do this for myself, at least I hope so.

Because the reality is that I don't do nice things for myself very often, at all.

But I'm starting to realise that it's not a necessarily a bad thing to be kind to myself, that I don't need to always tough it out and that doing something good for myself isn't being conceited or, IDK, being "up myself" or what have you.

I don't know if it's still used, but when I was a kid one of the cruelest accusations you could cop was being told that "you love yourself".
It was always said with such scorn and contempt, as if loving yourself was one of the worst things you could do. 

So I went out of my way to make sure no one ever thought I was guilty of ~loving myself~ especially as I was one of those kids. 
I had a funny accent, having lived in London and New York and had traveled extensively, which also meant changing schools a lot, so I really struggled to fit in and make friends. 

If I had had a good home life that instability would probably have had a lot less impact than it did, but unfortunately my mum and her partners/husbands failed to provide a safe, stable environment which could have served as a counter balance to the constant moving. As a result I was a deeply angry and insecure child who craved acceptance but lacked the social skills to make and maintain healthy friendships. 

Now, I didn't encounter the whole "ewww you love yourself" mindset until I returned to Australia when I was around 11 years old as it wasn't something American's seemed to be too concerned about (IME us Aussies have a hard time dealing with things like confidence and success, it tends to be viewed with a lot of suspicion).

But being that kid meant that I was keenly aware of any and all actions that could result in being ostracised even further, so I took it to heart that loving yourself was a sign of being conceited, arrogant and "up yourself". 
I couldn't risk that on top of already being labeled a teachers pet, because I loved to read and did well at school and honestly enjoyed the company of some of my teachers.

Unfortunately, if you take that whole "loving yourself is bad" idea in for too long and you don't have good people (like family) around you who love and support you and counter the negative self talk, that mindset can take root and flourish.
And let me tell you, unlearning that type of thinking is freaking hard

But I have to try to make some changes to the way I view myself and how I treat myself, because the reality is that I feel so  thoroughly awful about who I am that it has resulted in a lifetime of self sabotage and self loathing and I just can't live like this anymore.
I am just flat out tired of waking up every morning feeling this debilitating sense of disappointment, of feeling like I am simply killing time until I can go back to sleep, because dreaming is the best part of my day. 

That's no way to live. That's just existing and I know life can be so much more than that. 

I want to live my life with happy anticipation rather than unhappy resignation, but I don't even know how to feel any other way- trying to understand what it's like to live a joyful life is like a blind person trying to understand the concept of the colour red- it is utterly foreign.

And when you don't know any other way of being it is daunting making even the smallest of changes in the hopes of getting better, because what if I can't fix the way my mind works? As ridiculous as it may sound, allowing myself to feel hope or motivation comes with a biiiig side of self doubt and crippling fear. 

Having a mind that works like mine is tricky enough, but getting your hopes up with the aim of getting better only to find that you can't get better.. well, that is pretty fucking terrifying and makes the task of trying that much more daunting. There have been many times where I found myself not trying because the thought of failing on top of all the other stuff was simply too much... 
it's better not to hope at all than to give in to hope and have that hope dashed.

And that's where my little entry about my new blender took me, it was certainly a lot deeper than I was expecting or intending, but I've decided to publish this anyway because I know so many others out there live with anxiety and depression and fear of failure and I know it's comforting to me when I find something that makes me go "Yes! I totally understand where you're coming from!". 
Knowing there are others out there going through similar stuff can help me feel a little less alone, a little less of a utter failure. 
So maybe this entry can do the same for someone else, because feeling as if you're battling this all by yourself, feeling as if no one could possibly understand how debilitating all this can be, well, that's a pretty lonely place and I want you to know that you're not alone.

But seriously, who would have thought that buying a little bullet blender could be symbolic of so many deeply personal things...

Much love, as always,
Em xox

P.S. I have some exciting polishes arriving any day now, and I'm even going to try a water marble, so expect some bright fun swatches and nail art very soon :)

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