So, a bit of a new direction... but first some stuff about mental illness, life, bad decisions and nail polish

This turned out to be really long and a bit confessional in nature, so you have been warned;

Now, anyone who knows me will agree that I'm very much a "phase" person.
I go through times where I will only eat Trident chicken soup, with dumplings and baby peas... for months (this is my current dinner "thing").

Or I will eat Cadbury Crunchie bars, but only the mini ones, in huge quantities for a week or so, then lose all interest.

I also live with mental health issues that definitely play a part in these phases- when I am feeling good I will be training at the gym 6 days a week and will be determined to enter a powerlifting comp or somesuch (I have competed once, in my 20's and I do love training).

When I'm feeling up I will want to volunteer with the local CFA or SES and go back to uni. I'll start writing again... you get the picture.

Pictured; NOT ME doing cool emergency stuff with the SES

Not me again being part of the SES

 Aaaand NOT ME absailing down a cliff to rescue someone with the SES

I don't experience mania per se, it's more like what I assume motivated people feel, but with less direction and, unfortunately, a time limit. If I were that "up" all the time I suspect I would be a very driven, successful person.

OK, maybe not that successful... also, unlimited power in my hands would be a dreadful thing

But as I said, there's a time limit and when I'm down I'm really down.
It's an achievement just getting my kid to school on time, and I'll often go back and sleep until it's time to pick her up. I will be so exhausted that I feel as if I am trying to move through some thick, viscous liquid that weighs my limbs down and clouds my mind.

The down phases don't have anything to do with external factors- I can be exercising 6 days a week, eating well, getting stuff done and then I'm suddenly sinking down into this awful, murky place where even simple movement feels like a monstrous task.

It's exhausting and excruciating to live like that- this cycle of being really together and motivated coupled with periods of depression so deep and so dark that I have gone to places where suicide is the sanest of my considerations.

It also makes it really freaking difficult to do things like hold down a job, or be an active member of the school council, or be part of a mothers group or god knows what other things people go to where they bond and make friends.

Lets be honest, it's hard to make friends when you veer between these states

over and over again

It doesn't help that I feel as if I don't fit in, because of the way I am.

And as a result of that feeling of disconnection and alienation, as well as trying to manage my mood swings, I spent most of my life self medicating- I was an addict for 20+ years... I started drinking and smoking pot when I was only 13 years old.

Luckily I was always good at school (except for maths- I am pretty sure I have some sort of dyscalculia, the maths version of dyslexia). I got in to a good university, but entered rehab for my drinking in my first year and developed a speed habit by my second year and then I simply dropped out.

I tried many ways to self destruct, and I wasted so many opportunities that could have given me a life that is far different from the one I now lead.

I even went to prison in my late 20's for 12 months. That was an interesting time, no doubt about that.

I also loved a very damaged, but good hearted man for almost 8 years and he is the father of my precious daughter.

Unfortunately he took his own life when I was almost 4 months pregnant. I found him, and even 10 years on I shy away from remembering that day. That loss definitely changed who I am and definitely damaged my ability to love anyone else (at least, at this point).

Needless to say, my pregnancy was a very stressful, unhappy time and my daughter was born a severe IUGR baby (although you would never know it now).

My lovely, gentle step brother, Jason, was also murdered by his wife and his "best friend" shortly after my daughter's birth, my baby was extremely difficult and didn't sleep through for over 2 years, I was living in emergency housing next door to loud, violent alcoholics... life was pretty difficult but I managed it, and I actually managed it well.

 

Yeah, my kid is pretty freaking cute

I love this pic so much <3

Fast forward through a failed attempt at a "grown up" relationship with a man who ended up mistreating me and my child, several relapses, a bout of anorexia and that damn cycle of ups and downs and this is where I am now.

I love my girl- to the moon and back

I actually had managed to get my life pretty much together until 2012, when I had a pelvic osteotomy to treat my hip dysplasia. Unfortunately the surgery was a disaster and my burgeoning house painting business was an early casualty.

I also lost my mother 11 months ago to cervical cancer, and it was a terrible experience. She could have survived it, but she chose to pursue "alternative" cancer treatments instead of having the chemo and she was dead within 18 months of the first diagnosis (it's actually the first year anniversary on the 29th of this month- I can't believe time has gone by so quickly).

I miss you mum

And during all of that I had to have a second major surgery which also didn't really work out too well.

That's a LOT of plating :\

I am due to have a third surgery in a couple of weeks (hopefully that will be the end of that saga).

Thankfully, after a lifetime of pretty debilitating ups and downs I eventually found a medication that actually works (!!!) and I am managing to get through these last couple of years, and all the terrible losses I've suffered during this time, without hitting a significant low period. And that's pretty bloody amazing, all things considered.

That's right little pill, fix that brain!

Yup, hurry up and get working, off you go

So, this blog was initially about tracking my crossfit journey (a scene that was just perfect for someone like me who needs to have some sort of identity to which I can attach myself) but, with my current disability, it's been on hiatus for many, many months.

This was me pre 2nd surgery

I can't train, and I'm bored, so what's to write about?
But! and this is the cool thing about life, I have found a bit of an outlet to help give me some much needed fun and distraction from being poor and stuck at home waiting for various surgeries. And that outlet is nail polish (and to a lesser extent, corsets and tight-lacing).

Me in my Mystic City corset

So, I think I will blog a fair bit about polish- it's fun, it's pretty, it makes me feel good and I can have fun with it while recovering enough to start training again (although I doubt I will ever be able to do crossfit or lift as heavy as I used to ;_; )

I follow some AMAZING polish bloggers, some of whom are also Australian, which is very cool.

I've also stumbled onto the whole "indie nail polish" scene and I loooove it!!! The creativity on display is awesome.

Arcane Lacquer "Festive Embrace'

TBQH I am even considering making some polishes of my own (of course I am, haha), going from being a self employed house painter to a self employed nail polish maker :)
The good thing about working for one's self is that if I have a low patch I can simply go on hiatus for a while until I am well enough to get back into things, whereas a straight job simply doesn't allow for people like me.

I doubt that I will end up making my own polish, simply because of the start up costs, BUT I am going to look into that and some other job ideas...

Rent's gotta get paid

I'm definitely scared right now- I'm 42 and I've just lost my first business, one that I really think I could have succeeded with. And now I have to start all over again. I don't even know where to begin, but I will keep trying. I have to, if not for me then for my daughter (and our two cats).

I shall prevail!

So, the blog is going to be changing direction, possibly just for a while, possibly for ages, or possibly I'll forget to update this and it will join the ranks of deserted blogs littering the interwebs.
Wooh! Uncertainty about a blog no one reads! Here's a picture for those of you who made it all the way to the end;

May Bowie bless and protect you from overly long blog entries...

So many things have gone wrong, you wouldn't believe it...

Hmm, so I haven't blogged since 2012.
What to say? Since July 2012 the following has happened;

My mum died of cancer because she didn't have the chemo because she was a New Age devotee and believed Vit C and reiki would work just as well. I held her hand as she died- only 62 years old and she dies of preventable, treatable cervical cancer. She died 2 weeks to the day before my 2nd surgery.

The doctors fucked up my 1st surgery and I am about to have my 3rd operation in 3 weeks. Oh, and they also fucked up my 2nd surgery a bit too. yay.

I've lost my house painting business, my beautiful Big Cat go hit by a car and died and my other cat Peanut broke both his back legs and required a double femoral osteotomy which cost over $1800 which I still owe $90 on.

And 2 weeks ago my car's alternator died and it's gonna cost over $700 to fix- money I simply don't have- so I'm not sure what the hell I'm going to do about that. It's at the mechanics and I'm hoping to raise a couple of hundred dollars towards the bill so I can pay say $400, pick up my car and then pay the rest off at $100 a week.

As a result of losing partial use of my left leg, and thus my just-registered house painting business, I am now living on a disability pension, all whilst raising my daughter, a rabbit and 2 cats, so I'm constantly broke.

How's that for an update?

My pelvis is plated like woah;
 

Because when they did the LPAO they accidentally broke my ischium and I had non union too, so the ischial tuberosity was unattached to the rest of my pelvis and moved- you can see how much it moved in only 2 months in this x-ray;

The red arrow is the ischial fracture and the blue arrow is the non union


Oh, and they also herniated my bladder when they plated my pelvis, so it pops out like this;

 

My surgery on the 31st of this month will be a bone graft with the insertion of an internal electrical stimulator, plus surgery to fix the herniated bladder.

So obviously I can't train at all and I feel like my life has been totally derailed. I don't know what I'm going to do after these medical procedures are finally at an end- I'm 42 and thought I had found a job that I could do, something that I really enjoyed and that paid well too. And now I'm disabled and on a goddamn pension.

No doubt, this has been one of the roughest 2 years of my life. The only time in my life that was as bad as this was when my partner of 7 1/2 years committed suicide when I was 4 months pregnant, with me finding his body and having to deal with all of that. 

Then my daughter was born weighing 1400gm at 36 weeks and was in NICU for 2 months and my step brother was murdered just after she was born. And during all of this I was also living in emergency housing with terribly violent alcoholics living next door who would wake up my baby and scare me... no doubt that that was one hell of a rough time, probably the roughest, but this current situation is certainly a close second.

NEGL, I kinda wonder what I've done to warrant such consistent ill fortune.

I have a donation button up on my tumblr (skramamme) and some people have been kind enough to donate because I need my car- I can't walk long distances any more and my daughter needs to get to and from school, plus I need it to do the food shopping etc. Being disabled with no car in an area with virtually no public transport is very difficult.

I am so grateful to those who have donated, but I am nowhere near the money I need.

I doubt anyone will even read this, but if you do and want to head over here and either signal boost or throw $5.00 my way I'd be super grateful;

Here's the link to my tumblr page- the donate button is on the far left

Anyway, I will keep this updated as to how I go with the next surgery and so on. Wish me luck <3

Paleo, eating disorders and raising healthy kids

I haven't blogged for a few days as I've been flat out working, training, looking after Sophia and generally trying to fit 24 hours worth of activity into 12. But I really feel a need to put this out there as I'm feeling a bit conflicted at the moment.
To be honest I've been feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole paleo trip; I feel like I've never cooked so much or thought about food so much in my life. The last time I was this focused on my eating habits I was in the midst of an eating disorder and I do worry that this is veering rather close to the obsessive attitudes I had back then.
I am also struggling with the idea of raising my daughter in this lifestyle for a number of reasons, some of which I've outlined below;
First off, we never drink soft drinks (soda) and we don't go heavy on highly processed foods, we're not big on lots of dairy and try to eat a healthy, well rounded diet (by Western standards). So it's not like we are coming from a place of take away food and cola.
On the other hand we both enjoy the odd chocolate biscuit or lollipop, my daughter has the odd drink of juice (too sweet for me) and sometimes we eat some chips or popcorn, but it's far from being the bulk of our food intake and we're just as likely to have watermelon or greek yogurt with raw honey and nuts for a treat or snack.
My daughter gets multigrain or wholemeal sandwiches for lunch and toast for brekkie, she enjoys my pasta dishes (and no wonder- I'm a good cook) and she loves rice. I have recently cut out grains in my diet but it's so expensive eating high protein that I don't know how long I can afford to maintain it. The reality is that pasta or rice can stretch 1 chicken fillet into 3 or 4 meals and that's kinda important when you live on 22k a year (and rent alone is around 12k).

Another thing to remember is that my daughter was a severe IUGR baby, weighing in at less than 1400 grams at 36 weeks-  she was actually the size of a 29 week gestation baby when she was born.  So, physically speaking, she has always been on the small side.

Hell, she wasn't even on the growth chart for the first year of life and remains a very slender girl at 8 years of age. I mean, she's not scrawny at all, she has good muscle mass, but she's pretty lean and always has been.


In other words neither of us are obese or anywhere near it and my daughter's IUGR means that she is unlikely to ever be so. So is it fair of me to restrict her dietary intake of things like brown rice, legumes, pasta and bread because I want to drop body fat?

And speaking of body fat levels, do I want to risk going back to this? because the physical ideal I am striving for may have more muscle, but she's still lean as fuck.
Is it even possible to reach these goals without engaging in disordered behaviour?

So I feel very torn at the moment;
Do I want my daughter to fear sugar? Do I want her to see food as "good" or "bad"? Because that's how I saw food when I was starving myself and that's one legacy I don't want to pass on- I don't really know how to overhaul our eating habits without demonising certain foods, and that worries me.

I guess what I am trying to figure out is where do I draw the line? At what point do my personal choices regarding diet impact on my daughter's right to enjoy a "normal" childhood?