Tuesday, 15 April 2014

So, a bit of a new direction... but first some stuff about mental illness, life, bad decisions and nail polish

This turned out to be really long and a bit confessional in nature, so you have been warned;

Now, anyone who knows me will agree that I'm very much a "phase" person.
I go through times where I will only eat Trident chicken soup, with dumplings and baby peas... for months (this is my current dinner "thing").

Or I will eat Cadbury Crunchie bars, but only the mini ones, in huge quantities for a week or so, then lose all interest.

I also live with mental health issues that definitely play a part in these phases- when I am feeling good I will be training at the gym 6 days a week and will be determined to enter a powerlifting comp or somesuch (I have competed once, in my 20's and I do love training).

When I'm feeling up I will want to volunteer with the local CFA or SES and go back to uni. I'll start writing again... you get the picture.

Pictured; NOT ME doing cool emergency stuff with the SES

Not me again being part of the SES

 Aaaand NOT ME absailing down a cliff to rescue someone with the SES

I don't experience mania per se, it's more like what I assume motivated people feel, but with less direction and, unfortunately, a time limit. If I were that "up" all the time I suspect I would be a very driven, successful person.

OK, maybe not that successful... also, unlimited power in my hands would be a dreadful thing

But as I said, there's a time limit and when I'm down I'm really down.
It's an achievement just getting my kid to school on time, and I'll often go back and sleep until it's time to pick her up. I will be so exhausted that I feel as if I am trying to move through some thick, viscous liquid that weighs my limbs down and clouds my mind.

The down phases don't have anything to do with external factors- I can be exercising 6 days a week, eating well, getting stuff done and then I'm suddenly sinking down into this awful, murky place where even simple movement feels like a monstrous task.

It's exhausting and excruciating to live like that- this cycle of being really together and motivated coupled with periods of depression so deep and so dark that I have gone to places where suicide is the sanest of my considerations.

It also makes it really freaking difficult to do things like hold down a job, or be an active member of the school council, or be part of a mothers group or god knows what other things people go to where they bond and make friends.

Lets be honest, it's hard to make friends when you veer between these states

over and over again

It doesn't help that I feel as if I don't fit in, because of the way I am.

And as a result of that feeling of disconnection and alienation, as well as trying to manage my mood swings, I spent most of my life self medicating- I was an addict for 20+ years... I started drinking and smoking pot when I was only 13 years old.

Luckily I was always good at school (except for maths- I am pretty sure I have some sort of dyscalculia, the maths version of dyslexia). I got in to a good university, but entered rehab for my drinking in my first year and developed a speed habit by my second year and then I simply dropped out.

I tried many ways to self destruct, and I wasted so many opportunities that could have given me a life that is far different from the one I now lead.

I even went to prison in my late 20's for 12 months. That was an interesting time, no doubt about that.

I also loved a very damaged, but good hearted man for almost 8 years and he is the father of my precious daughter.

Unfortunately he took his own life when I was almost 4 months pregnant. I found him, and even 10 years on I shy away from remembering that day. That loss definitely changed who I am and definitely damaged my ability to love anyone else (at least, at this point).

Needless to say, my pregnancy was a very stressful, unhappy time and my daughter was born a severe IUGR baby (although you would never know it now).

My lovely, gentle step brother, Jason, was also murdered by his wife and his "best friend" shortly after my daughter's birth, my baby was extremely difficult and didn't sleep through for over 2 years, I was living in emergency housing next door to loud, violent alcoholics... life was pretty difficult but I managed it, and I actually managed it well.

Yeah, my kid is pretty freaking cute
I love this pic so much <3

Fast forward through a failed attempt at a "grown up" relationship with a man who ended up mistreating me and my child, several relapses, a bout of anorexia and that damn cycle of ups and downs and this is where I am now.

I love my girl- to the moon and back

I actually had managed to get my life pretty much together until 2012, when I had a pelvic osteotomy to treat my hip dysplasia. Unfortunately the surgery was a disaster and my burgeoning house painting business was an early casualty.

I also lost my mother 11 months ago to cervical cancer, and it was a terrible experience. She could have survived it, but she chose to pursue "alternative" cancer treatments instead of having the chemo and she was dead within 18 months of the first diagnosis (it's actually the first year anniversary on the 29th of this month- I can't believe time has gone by so quickly).

I miss you mum
And during all of that I had to have a second major surgery which also didn't really work out too well.
That's a LOT of plating :\
I am due to have a third surgery in a couple of weeks (hopefully that will be the end of that saga).

Thankfully, after a lifetime of pretty debilitating ups and downs I eventually found a medication that actually works (!!!) and I am managing to get through these last couple of years, and all the terrible losses I've suffered during this time, without hitting a significant low period. And that's pretty bloody amazing, all things considered.

That's right little pill, fix that brain!

Yup, hurry up and get working, off you go

So, this blog was initially about tracking my crossfit journey (a scene that was just perfect for someone like me who needs to have some sort of identity to which I can attach myself) but, with my current disability, it's been on hiatus for many, many months.

This was me pre 2nd surgery

I can't train, and I'm bored, so what's to write about?
But! and this is the cool thing about life, I have found a bit of an outlet to help give me some much needed fun and distraction from being poor and stuck at home waiting for various surgeries. And that outlet is nail polish (and to a lesser extent, corsets and tight-lacing).

Me in my Mystic City corset
So, I think I will blog a fair bit about polish- it's fun, it's pretty, it makes me feel good and I can have fun with it while recovering enough to start training again (although I doubt I will ever be able to do crossfit or lift as heavy as I used to ;_; )

I follow some AMAZING polish bloggers, some of whom are also Australian, which is very cool.

I've also stumbled onto the whole "indie nail polish" scene and I loooove it!!! The creativity on display is awesome.

Arcane Lacquer "Festive Embrace'
TBQH I am even considering making some polishes of my own (of course I am, haha), going from being a self employed house painter to a self employed nail polish maker :)
The good thing about working for one's self is that if I have a low patch I can simply go on hiatus for a while until I am well enough to get back into things, whereas a straight job simply doesn't allow for people like me.

I doubt that I will end up making my own polish, simply because of the start up costs, BUT I am going to look into that and some other job ideas...

Rent's gotta get paid
I'm definitely scared right now- I'm 42 and I've just lost my first business, one that I really think I could have succeeded with. And now I have to start all over again. I don't even know where to begin, but I will keep trying. I have to, if not for me then for my daughter (and our two cats).

I shall prevail!
So, the blog is going to be changing direction, possibly just for a while, possibly for ages, or possibly I'll forget to update this and it will join the ranks of deserted blogs littering the interwebs.
Wooh! Uncertainty about a blog no one reads! Here's a picture for those of you who made it all the way to the end;

May Bowie bless and protect you from overly long blog entries...

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