A bit of an insight into fear of change and why it can be so hard to make positive changes

This started out as a basic update and ended up being a post where I ended up thinking about the ways self doubt and fear trap you and why it can be so hard to "just do it". 
You can totally see where the post takes a sharp turn away from a casual "hey check this out" to "omg here is my secret shame". I hope someone out there can relate and can find some comfort knowing that they're not alone <3

So today I actually invested in one of those "As seen on T.V!" things when I was at the supermarket. I got the Ninja Bullet Slim, one of those bullet-style blenders;

My little bullet blender

Of course I wanted the more powerful version, but alas it was just too expensive so I went with the smaller, cheaper version. But even though it wasn't the model I wanted when Sophia and I gave it a whirl tonight it really did blend up the fruit and veggies well, so I'm pretty happy with my purchase so far.

Now, I already have a great blender but it weighs a ton, it's freaking huge and it's a total PITA to assemble then disassemble to clean etc. so I rarely use it. Hell, I can't even keep it out on the bench top because it's just too big.
And you better believe that I am not dealing with all of that just to make one glass of veggie juice, you know? (yes, I can be pretty damn lazy)
Thankfully the size of this little blender is wonderful, I have it sitting right next to the toaster and it takes up less room than my teapot!
Plus it was super easy to use and clean, and for me half the battle is getting things started, so having it right there means I am much more likely to use it.

So now I've got my bag of baby spinach, lots of carrots and apples, frozen berries, some Jalna bush honey pot-set yoghurt and all that sort of good stuff and my aim is to have some sort of veggie &/or fruit drink daily.
I honestly think I will see some benefits if I do this for myself, at least I hope so.

Because the reality is that I don't do nice things for myself very often, at all.

But I'm starting to realise that it's not a necessarily a bad thing to be kind to myself, that I don't need to always tough it out and that doing something good for myself isn't being conceited or, IDK, being "up myself" or what have you.

I don't know if it's still used, but when I was a kid one of the cruelest accusations you could cop was being told that "you love yourself".
It was always said with such scorn and contempt, as if loving yourself was one of the worst things you could do. 
So I went out of my way to make sure no one ever thought I was guilty of ~loving myself~ especially as I was one of those kids. 
I had a funny accent, having lived in London and New York and had traveled extensively, which also meant changing schools a lot, so I really struggled to fit in and make friends. 

If I had had a good home life that instability would probably have had a lot less impact than it did, but unfortunately my mum and her partners/husbands failed to provide a safe, stable environment which could have served as a counter balance to the constant moving. As a result I was a deeply angry and insecure child who craved acceptance but lacked the social skills to make and maintain healthy friendships. 

Now, I didn't encounter the whole "ewww you love yourself" mindset until I returned to Australia when I was around 11 years old as it wasn't something American's seemed to be too concerned about (IME us Aussies have a hard time dealing with things like confidence and success, it tends to be viewed with a lot of suspicion).
But being that kid meant that I was keenly aware of any and all actions that could result in being ostracised even further, so I took it to heart that loving yourself was a sign of being conceited, arrogant and "up yourself". 
I couldn't risk that on top of already being labeled a teachers pet, because I loved to read and did well at school and honestly enjoyed the company of some of my teachers.

Unfortunately, if you take that whole "loving yourself is bad" idea in for too long and you don't have good people (like family) around you who love and support you and counter the negative self talk, that mindset can take root and flourish.
And let me tell you, unlearning that type of thinking is freaking hard. 

But I have to try to make some changes to the way I view myself and how I treat myself, because the reality is that I feel so  thoroughly awful about who I am that it has resulted in a lifetime of self sabotage and self loathing and I just can't live like this anymore.
I am just flat out tired of waking up every morning feeling this debilitating sense of disappointment, of feeling like I am simply killing time until I can go back to sleep, because dreaming is the best part of my day. 

That's no way to live. That's just existing and I know life can be so much more than that. 

I want to live my life with happy anticipation rather than unhappy resignation, but I don't even know how to feel any other way- trying to understand what it's like to live a joyful life is like a blind person trying to understand the concept of the colour red- it is utterly foreign.

And when you don't know any other way of being it is daunting making even the smallest of changes in the hopes of getting better, because what if I can't fix the way my mind works? As ridiculous as it may sound, allowing myself to feel hope or motivation comes with a biiiig side of self doubt and crippling fear. 

Having a mind that works like mine is tricky enough, but getting your hopes up with the aim of getting better only to find that you can't get better.. well, that is pretty fucking terrifying and makes the task of trying that much more daunting. There have been many times where I found myself not trying because the thought of failing on top of all the other stuff was simply too much... 
it's better not to hope at all than to give in to hope and have that hope dashed.



And that's where my little entry about my new blender took me, it was certainly a lot deeper than I was expecting or intending, but I've decided to publish this anyway because I know so many others out there live with anxiety and depression and fear of failure and I know it's comforting to me when I find something that makes me go "Yes! I totally understand where you're coming from!". 
Knowing there are others out there going through similar stuff can help me feel a little less alone, a little less of a utter failure. 
So maybe this entry can do the same for someone else, because feeling as if you're battling this all by yourself, feeling as if no one could possibly understand how debilitating all this can be, well, that's a pretty lonely place and I want you to know that you're not alone.
 
But seriously, who would have thought that buying a little bullet blender could be symbolic of so many deeply personal things...



Much love, as always,
Em xox

P.S. I have some exciting polishes arriving any day now, and I'm even going to try a water marble, so expect some bright fun swatches and nail art very soon :)

An open letter to Clive Palmer and Tony Abbott

Get Up! is an Australian grassroots political movement, and one of their current campaigns is regarding a charity auction where the highest bidder wins a dinner with either our P.M, Tony Abbott, or the powerful businessman and politician, Clive Palmer.
Obviously I'm not in a position to pitch in towards the auction, but Get Up! also asked us to write down what we would want to say if we were in the position to talk to either of these powerful men over dinner. This is my letter;

"Dear Clive Palmer and Tony Abbott,

Thanks to the budget my 10 year old daughter and I face the prospect of homelessness next July. We don't have a financial safety net to help cover the $100 dollars a fortnight that we will be losing when you axe Family Tax Benefit B.
We also live in a small coastal community, which means there are more people than jobs. And obviously, if the loss of $100 a fortnight is enough to bring down the prospect of homelessness on our heads, I don't have the sort of money to simply up and move to a larger town where there are more employment opportunities.
In fact, my daughter is home from school today, because I don't have enough money to cover the petrol to get her to school until my pension comes through tomorrow.
Now, I am intelligent and articulate and come from a nice middle class family, but I also spent most of my life living with misdiagnosed bipolar II and, as a result, I turned to very self destructive coping mechanisms- the sorts of things that see people falling through the cracks of so called "normal" society and scrounging to survive in the underbelly.
Fortunately it seemed as if my life had turned the corner a few years ago- I finally got a proper diagnosis and was placed on medication that actually worked. I started helping my Auntie and her husband with their house flipping business and discovered that I was actually really good at house painting, so I decided to get an ABN and start up my own little house painting business- a 40 year old single mum just trying to make it on my own, but trying nonetheless.
And then I had major surgery on my pelvis in 2012 that, unfortunately, failed.
So, instead of painting and building my business, I have spent the last 2 years having additional surgeries, dealing with nerve damage and significant pain issues... and I won't be able to go back to house painting now that my left leg no longer works properly.
So here I am, 42 years old, no partner, mum to a bright and sweet 10 year old and I don't even know how to begin to put things back together.
My mother died last year at 62 from preventable cancer, my daughter's father committed suicide when I was pregnant because of lack of appropriate mental health resources, so he isn't around to help. So I'm having to do most of this alone, and that's pretty scary.
I live in a small town with very little employment opportunities and I have ongoing medical issues, both physical and psychological, that make finding appropriate work nigh on impossible without someone giving me a break, and you are taking away money that is the only thing standing between us and utter destitution.
My rent alone is over 50% of what I live on per year, but there is no affordable housing to be had anywhere. You say "move to where the jobs are", how? I don't even have $5 in my bank account at the moment. Who will help me relocate?
Will you give me the opportunity to earn a decent living? I'm smart, I have talent, I am a good writer and do well with things like online research and promoting businesses (for example, I blog to keep my mind sharp, and I like to help highlight some of the amazing Aussie indie makeup businesses and bring them to the attention of international consumers).
If you cut Family Tax Benefit B you are dooming my child to a life of poverty and lack of opportunities that we might otherwise manage to scrimp and save for.
$100 might not seem like much to you- hell, you probably spend more on a nice bottle of wine or a business lunch- but it really is the difference between life and death for us.
I struggle to remain hopeful, I strive to raise my child to believe that she can be whatever she puts her mind to and that the world is hers for the taking if she so chooses, but you are crushing my spirit with every funding cut, with every assumption that people like me are lazy, good for nothings who are simply trying to rort the system.
If you honestly believe that then please, try raising a good kid on my budget and see how easy it is to "bludge" then.
If you honestly believe that I just need to get off my bum and do something then give me an opportunity to use my skills- give me some work so I can raise my child well, so I can manage my physical and psychological disabilities and still earn enough that we can stop living hand to mouth and start saving instead.
Surely there's some sort of copy-writing work or research that you could have me do? Or is it all about the rhetoric with nothing to back it up?
And finally, why is it that you are asking those of us with the least to give to give up so much? Why not reduce the diesel fuel rebates for mining instead of taking $100 away from families like mine? Families that are incredibly vulnerable and only one payment away from utter ruin?
Please Mr Abbott, you say that you are a Christian, so where is your compassion? Poverty and vulnerability are not moral failings, so please don't punish us as if they were.
And Mr Palmer, you talk about people pulling their weight and of the opportunities that are out there for people willing to make the effort, well here I am- have you any sort of work that I could do? I'm obviously a smart gal, I would be an asset, but I need someone to give me a break.

I really hope someone takes the time to read this- right now I am scared I'm on my way to joining the statistics surrounding poverty and suicide. Give me and my child a chance to have a life that is more than constant fear of the future.

Sincerely,
Emma Marks"

Whee! Another Aussie indie polish review, Pretty Serious VT100

Hi guys, hope everyone is well and enjoying their respective seasons- it's definitely wintery down here in Rye with lots of rainy days and cold winds.
Normally I'm a hot weather kinda gal, but to be honest I don't mind the cold too much at the moment as I'm still recovering from all these surgeries, and who would want to be outside in this?
But I'm feeling a lot more positive that this summer I'll be back in a bikini and on the beach, and maybe my leg will be working well enough that I'll be able to play some frisbee with my daughter, Sophia. Frisbee= us failing to throw the thing with any accuracy and falling down laughing all over the place. It's the best way to play :)

Anyway, on to business (hardly, but you know what I mean). I got a couple of packages in the mail today and one of them was by a great Aussie indie company, Pretty Serious cosmetics. I've already reviewed one of their polishes here and today's polish was equally impressive.

Pretty Serious "VT100"

VT100 is a gorgeous emerald green jelly filled with gold and green microglitter that simply comes alive in the sunlight, yet manages to achieve wonderful depth in indirect light also.

 It's a very easy polish to use- the formula is just right with this, not too thick as some microglitters can be. I used two thin coats here, although I suspect you could get away with just one as the opacity is great. Being a microglitter it did dry slightly gritty, but two coats of Seche Vite and I was good to go (microglitters may dry gritty, but they also dry quick, which is a definite bonus in my book).

I really dig the addition of the gold microglitter, it adds a nice twist without overpowering the gorgeous green. And will you look at that lovely depth? Mmm, just beautiful (I am a sucker for a good green, no doubt about that).

VT100 is currently on sale for only $5.95 over at Pretty Serious, although this particular polish is available for Australian customers only at this time.
However they have plenty of products available for international buyers also (including the  gorgeous Grimm Demise, which I covet desperately), so go take a peek if you're in the mood to add some seriously pretty things to your collections (get it? boom tish! I'll be here all night... thank you, thank you).

And I'd also like to say how touched I am by the kindness of all of you who have reached out to me in regards to my discussions about depression- it is so lovely to have people I don't even know take the time to offer such encouragement, although it is saddening to see just how many of us there are out there who battle with this issue.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you who has been touched in some way by this debilitating illness and I hope I can be of support to you too- just drop me an email or leave a comment, I'm always around to lend an ear.

Much love and polish for all,
Em xox

Another super-cute polkadot manicure, and a small detour to talk about that old foe of mine, depression

I've always thought dotty (dotti?) mani's were cute, but I also felt like I was too old to really wear them as most of the ones I saw were very light and bright, and I don't really do "light".
But I decided to have a play around with my dotting tools, as I didn't want the entire $2.00 I spent on them to be a total waste, and I thought maybe I could make them work for me.
And I did- the trick was simply toning down the pastel, girly vibe and dialing up the darker, more winter based tones I tend to gravitate towards.
My last mani featured a black based version with quite bright, vibrant colours (which I think looked freaking awesome, in my oh-so humble opinion), whereas this time around I wanted to try a really muted version and I love how it's turned out;

This is just a simple combination of a medium grey base and black, white and mauve dots, but I think it's really effective and the colours balance out against each other really nicely.

 

I changed how I approached the actual dotting part this time around and only placed one colour on my "palette" (read; plastic lid) at a time so the polish didn't dry out as I moved along.
It was definitely a lot easier dotting all my nails with one colour before moving onto the next and I also got a nicer arrangement on the nail by focusing on one colour at a time.

I seriously love how this looks and can't believe I was so leery of trying polkadots on my own nails, all because I thought I would look a little too "mutton dressed up as lamb".
Which is really pretty ridiculous when you consider just how much glitter I am prepared to wear on each nail, and the fact that I still run around wearing converse hi-tops and t-shirts and that I have tattoos and wear too many earrings and basically act like I'm 16 most of the time (much to my 10 year old daughter's embarrassment... but she needs something to tell the therapist when she's older, right?).
Maybe I just thought the colours I usually see used with these type of mani's were just a little too "soft" for me, but I am definitely trying to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, and I am really glad I did.

Anyway, as always I hope you are all well (the theoretical "you" as I don't think anyone ever reads this, but hey, why not, right?) and that life is moving along nicely.
I'll be honest, I'm struggling a little bit.
I feel like the ol' Black Dog is hounding me again, and that's a little scary as I've managed to avoid a major depressive episode for a couple of years and I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, I had finally found a medication that had finally put an end to all that bullshit.
Who knows, it could just be emotional exhaustion, which is certainly understandable after all that I have been through over the last couple of years. I don't know, but I hope that this isn't the beginning of another decent down the rabbit hole of depression... I am so tired, the thought of trying to get through another episode in my current state is more than a little daunting.

Thank god for this blog, and, as silly as it sounds, for the nail polish scene. Who knew that focusing on nail polish could give me such an effective method for distracting myself and giving myself something to look forward to.
And what a wonderful way this has been to connect with so many lovely, kind-hearted people too... it's a silver lining that was quite unexpected but very much appreciated.

Em xox