A bit of an insight into fear of change and why it can be so hard to make positive changes

This started out as a basic update and ended up being a post where I ended up thinking about the ways self doubt and fear trap you and why it can be so hard to "just do it". 
You can totally see where the post takes a sharp turn away from a casual "hey check this out" to "omg here is my secret shame". I hope someone out there can relate and can find some comfort knowing that they're not alone <3

So today I actually invested in one of those "As seen on T.V!" things when I was at the supermarket. I got the Ninja Bullet Slim, one of those bullet-style blenders;

My little bullet blender

Of course I wanted the more powerful version, but alas it was just too expensive so I went with the smaller, cheaper version. But even though it wasn't the model I wanted when Sophia and I gave it a whirl tonight it really did blend up the fruit and veggies well, so I'm pretty happy with my purchase so far.

Now, I already have a great blender but it weighs a ton, it's freaking huge and it's a total PITA to assemble then disassemble to clean etc. so I rarely use it. Hell, I can't even keep it out on the bench top because it's just too big.
And you better believe that I am not dealing with all of that just to make one glass of veggie juice, you know? (yes, I can be pretty damn lazy)
Thankfully the size of this little blender is wonderful, I have it sitting right next to the toaster and it takes up less room than my teapot!
Plus it was super easy to use and clean, and for me half the battle is getting things started, so having it right there means I am much more likely to use it.

So now I've got my bag of baby spinach, lots of carrots and apples, frozen berries, some Jalna bush honey pot-set yoghurt and all that sort of good stuff and my aim is to have some sort of veggie &/or fruit drink daily.
I honestly think I will see some benefits if I do this for myself, at least I hope so.

Because the reality is that I don't do nice things for myself very often, at all.

But I'm starting to realise that it's not a necessarily a bad thing to be kind to myself, that I don't need to always tough it out and that doing something good for myself isn't being conceited or, IDK, being "up myself" or what have you.

I don't know if it's still used, but when I was a kid one of the cruelest accusations you could cop was being told that "you love yourself".
It was always said with such scorn and contempt, as if loving yourself was one of the worst things you could do. 
So I went out of my way to make sure no one ever thought I was guilty of ~loving myself~ especially as I was one of those kids. 
I had a funny accent, having lived in London and New York and had traveled extensively, which also meant changing schools a lot, so I really struggled to fit in and make friends. 

If I had had a good home life that instability would probably have had a lot less impact than it did, but unfortunately my mum and her partners/husbands failed to provide a safe, stable environment which could have served as a counter balance to the constant moving. As a result I was a deeply angry and insecure child who craved acceptance but lacked the social skills to make and maintain healthy friendships. 

Now, I didn't encounter the whole "ewww you love yourself" mindset until I returned to Australia when I was around 11 years old as it wasn't something American's seemed to be too concerned about (IME us Aussies have a hard time dealing with things like confidence and success, it tends to be viewed with a lot of suspicion).
But being that kid meant that I was keenly aware of any and all actions that could result in being ostracised even further, so I took it to heart that loving yourself was a sign of being conceited, arrogant and "up yourself". 
I couldn't risk that on top of already being labeled a teachers pet, because I loved to read and did well at school and honestly enjoyed the company of some of my teachers.

Unfortunately, if you take that whole "loving yourself is bad" idea in for too long and you don't have good people (like family) around you who love and support you and counter the negative self talk, that mindset can take root and flourish.
And let me tell you, unlearning that type of thinking is freaking hard. 

But I have to try to make some changes to the way I view myself and how I treat myself, because the reality is that I feel so  thoroughly awful about who I am that it has resulted in a lifetime of self sabotage and self loathing and I just can't live like this anymore.
I am just flat out tired of waking up every morning feeling this debilitating sense of disappointment, of feeling like I am simply killing time until I can go back to sleep, because dreaming is the best part of my day. 

That's no way to live. That's just existing and I know life can be so much more than that. 

I want to live my life with happy anticipation rather than unhappy resignation, but I don't even know how to feel any other way- trying to understand what it's like to live a joyful life is like a blind person trying to understand the concept of the colour red- it is utterly foreign.

And when you don't know any other way of being it is daunting making even the smallest of changes in the hopes of getting better, because what if I can't fix the way my mind works? As ridiculous as it may sound, allowing myself to feel hope or motivation comes with a biiiig side of self doubt and crippling fear. 

Having a mind that works like mine is tricky enough, but getting your hopes up with the aim of getting better only to find that you can't get better.. well, that is pretty fucking terrifying and makes the task of trying that much more daunting. There have been many times where I found myself not trying because the thought of failing on top of all the other stuff was simply too much... 
it's better not to hope at all than to give in to hope and have that hope dashed.



And that's where my little entry about my new blender took me, it was certainly a lot deeper than I was expecting or intending, but I've decided to publish this anyway because I know so many others out there live with anxiety and depression and fear of failure and I know it's comforting to me when I find something that makes me go "Yes! I totally understand where you're coming from!". 
Knowing there are others out there going through similar stuff can help me feel a little less alone, a little less of a utter failure. 
So maybe this entry can do the same for someone else, because feeling as if you're battling this all by yourself, feeling as if no one could possibly understand how debilitating all this can be, well, that's a pretty lonely place and I want you to know that you're not alone.
 
But seriously, who would have thought that buying a little bullet blender could be symbolic of so many deeply personal things...



Much love, as always,
Em xox

P.S. I have some exciting polishes arriving any day now, and I'm even going to try a water marble, so expect some bright fun swatches and nail art very soon :)

Another super-cute polkadot manicure, and a small detour to talk about that old foe of mine, depression

I've always thought dotty (dotti?) mani's were cute, but I also felt like I was too old to really wear them as most of the ones I saw were very light and bright, and I don't really do "light".
But I decided to have a play around with my dotting tools, as I didn't want the entire $2.00 I spent on them to be a total waste, and I thought maybe I could make them work for me.
And I did- the trick was simply toning down the pastel, girly vibe and dialing up the darker, more winter based tones I tend to gravitate towards.
My last mani featured a black based version with quite bright, vibrant colours (which I think looked freaking awesome, in my oh-so humble opinion), whereas this time around I wanted to try a really muted version and I love how it's turned out;

This is just a simple combination of a medium grey base and black, white and mauve dots, but I think it's really effective and the colours balance out against each other really nicely.

 

I changed how I approached the actual dotting part this time around and only placed one colour on my "palette" (read; plastic lid) at a time so the polish didn't dry out as I moved along.
It was definitely a lot easier dotting all my nails with one colour before moving onto the next and I also got a nicer arrangement on the nail by focusing on one colour at a time.

I seriously love how this looks and can't believe I was so leery of trying polkadots on my own nails, all because I thought I would look a little too "mutton dressed up as lamb".
Which is really pretty ridiculous when you consider just how much glitter I am prepared to wear on each nail, and the fact that I still run around wearing converse hi-tops and t-shirts and that I have tattoos and wear too many earrings and basically act like I'm 16 most of the time (much to my 10 year old daughter's embarrassment... but she needs something to tell the therapist when she's older, right?).
Maybe I just thought the colours I usually see used with these type of mani's were just a little too "soft" for me, but I am definitely trying to step out of my comfort zone and try new things, and I am really glad I did.

Anyway, as always I hope you are all well (the theoretical "you" as I don't think anyone ever reads this, but hey, why not, right?) and that life is moving along nicely.
I'll be honest, I'm struggling a little bit.
I feel like the ol' Black Dog is hounding me again, and that's a little scary as I've managed to avoid a major depressive episode for a couple of years and I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, I had finally found a medication that had finally put an end to all that bullshit.
Who knows, it could just be emotional exhaustion, which is certainly understandable after all that I have been through over the last couple of years. I don't know, but I hope that this isn't the beginning of another decent down the rabbit hole of depression... I am so tired, the thought of trying to get through another episode in my current state is more than a little daunting.

Thank god for this blog, and, as silly as it sounds, for the nail polish scene. Who knew that focusing on nail polish could give me such an effective method for distracting myself and giving myself something to look forward to.
And what a wonderful way this has been to connect with so many lovely, kind-hearted people too... it's a silver lining that was quite unexpected but very much appreciated.

Em xox

So, a bit of a new direction... but first some stuff about mental illness, life, bad decisions and nail polish

This turned out to be really long and a bit confessional in nature, so you have been warned;

Now, anyone who knows me will agree that I'm very much a "phase" person.
I go through times where I will only eat Trident chicken soup, with dumplings and baby peas... for months (this is my current dinner "thing").

Or I will eat Cadbury Crunchie bars, but only the mini ones, in huge quantities for a week or so, then lose all interest.

I also live with mental health issues that definitely play a part in these phases- when I am feeling good I will be training at the gym 6 days a week and will be determined to enter a powerlifting comp or somesuch (I have competed once, in my 20's and I do love training).

When I'm feeling up I will want to volunteer with the local CFA or SES and go back to uni. I'll start writing again... you get the picture.

Pictured; NOT ME doing cool emergency stuff with the SES

Not me again being part of the SES

 Aaaand NOT ME absailing down a cliff to rescue someone with the SES

I don't experience mania per se, it's more like what I assume motivated people feel, but with less direction and, unfortunately, a time limit. If I were that "up" all the time I suspect I would be a very driven, successful person.

OK, maybe not that successful... also, unlimited power in my hands would be a dreadful thing

But as I said, there's a time limit and when I'm down I'm really down.
It's an achievement just getting my kid to school on time, and I'll often go back and sleep until it's time to pick her up. I will be so exhausted that I feel as if I am trying to move through some thick, viscous liquid that weighs my limbs down and clouds my mind.

The down phases don't have anything to do with external factors- I can be exercising 6 days a week, eating well, getting stuff done and then I'm suddenly sinking down into this awful, murky place where even simple movement feels like a monstrous task.

It's exhausting and excruciating to live like that- this cycle of being really together and motivated coupled with periods of depression so deep and so dark that I have gone to places where suicide is the sanest of my considerations.

It also makes it really freaking difficult to do things like hold down a job, or be an active member of the school council, or be part of a mothers group or god knows what other things people go to where they bond and make friends.

Lets be honest, it's hard to make friends when you veer between these states

over and over again

It doesn't help that I feel as if I don't fit in, because of the way I am.

And as a result of that feeling of disconnection and alienation, as well as trying to manage my mood swings, I spent most of my life self medicating- I was an addict for 20+ years... I started drinking and smoking pot when I was only 13 years old.

Luckily I was always good at school (except for maths- I am pretty sure I have some sort of dyscalculia, the maths version of dyslexia). I got in to a good university, but entered rehab for my drinking in my first year and developed a speed habit by my second year and then I simply dropped out.

I tried many ways to self destruct, and I wasted so many opportunities that could have given me a life that is far different from the one I now lead.

I even went to prison in my late 20's for 12 months. That was an interesting time, no doubt about that.

I also loved a very damaged, but good hearted man for almost 8 years and he is the father of my precious daughter.

Unfortunately he took his own life when I was almost 4 months pregnant. I found him, and even 10 years on I shy away from remembering that day. That loss definitely changed who I am and definitely damaged my ability to love anyone else (at least, at this point).

Needless to say, my pregnancy was a very stressful, unhappy time and my daughter was born a severe IUGR baby (although you would never know it now).

My lovely, gentle step brother, Jason, was also murdered by his wife and his "best friend" shortly after my daughter's birth, my baby was extremely difficult and didn't sleep through for over 2 years, I was living in emergency housing next door to loud, violent alcoholics... life was pretty difficult but I managed it, and I actually managed it well.

 

Yeah, my kid is pretty freaking cute

I love this pic so much <3

Fast forward through a failed attempt at a "grown up" relationship with a man who ended up mistreating me and my child, several relapses, a bout of anorexia and that damn cycle of ups and downs and this is where I am now.

I love my girl- to the moon and back

I actually had managed to get my life pretty much together until 2012, when I had a pelvic osteotomy to treat my hip dysplasia. Unfortunately the surgery was a disaster and my burgeoning house painting business was an early casualty.

I also lost my mother 11 months ago to cervical cancer, and it was a terrible experience. She could have survived it, but she chose to pursue "alternative" cancer treatments instead of having the chemo and she was dead within 18 months of the first diagnosis (it's actually the first year anniversary on the 29th of this month- I can't believe time has gone by so quickly).

I miss you mum

And during all of that I had to have a second major surgery which also didn't really work out too well.

That's a LOT of plating :\

I am due to have a third surgery in a couple of weeks (hopefully that will be the end of that saga).

Thankfully, after a lifetime of pretty debilitating ups and downs I eventually found a medication that actually works (!!!) and I am managing to get through these last couple of years, and all the terrible losses I've suffered during this time, without hitting a significant low period. And that's pretty bloody amazing, all things considered.

That's right little pill, fix that brain!

Yup, hurry up and get working, off you go

So, this blog was initially about tracking my crossfit journey (a scene that was just perfect for someone like me who needs to have some sort of identity to which I can attach myself) but, with my current disability, it's been on hiatus for many, many months.

This was me pre 2nd surgery

I can't train, and I'm bored, so what's to write about?
But! and this is the cool thing about life, I have found a bit of an outlet to help give me some much needed fun and distraction from being poor and stuck at home waiting for various surgeries. And that outlet is nail polish (and to a lesser extent, corsets and tight-lacing).

Me in my Mystic City corset

So, I think I will blog a fair bit about polish- it's fun, it's pretty, it makes me feel good and I can have fun with it while recovering enough to start training again (although I doubt I will ever be able to do crossfit or lift as heavy as I used to ;_; )

I follow some AMAZING polish bloggers, some of whom are also Australian, which is very cool.

I've also stumbled onto the whole "indie nail polish" scene and I loooove it!!! The creativity on display is awesome.

Arcane Lacquer "Festive Embrace'

TBQH I am even considering making some polishes of my own (of course I am, haha), going from being a self employed house painter to a self employed nail polish maker :)
The good thing about working for one's self is that if I have a low patch I can simply go on hiatus for a while until I am well enough to get back into things, whereas a straight job simply doesn't allow for people like me.

I doubt that I will end up making my own polish, simply because of the start up costs, BUT I am going to look into that and some other job ideas...

Rent's gotta get paid

I'm definitely scared right now- I'm 42 and I've just lost my first business, one that I really think I could have succeeded with. And now I have to start all over again. I don't even know where to begin, but I will keep trying. I have to, if not for me then for my daughter (and our two cats).

I shall prevail!

So, the blog is going to be changing direction, possibly just for a while, possibly for ages, or possibly I'll forget to update this and it will join the ranks of deserted blogs littering the interwebs.
Wooh! Uncertainty about a blog no one reads! Here's a picture for those of you who made it all the way to the end;

May Bowie bless and protect you from overly long blog entries...